UltraCondensed The Faster Funnier Hamlet
by Kat Laleh
Summary: Hamlet in ten minutes! Say it isn't so! But it is. A humorous interpretation of the famous tragedy, Ultra Condensed puts SparkNotes to shame.


**so... i felt really bad about ditching haven for so long. i promised i would be back at it by march, but see how well that's worked out. (my rewrite for hidden angels- sequel to desert rose- has turned out more difficult than i expected). because of my long silence, i decided to post this random drabble. its quite funny. just a few things to keep in mind as you read this. **

**1. i wrote this and performed it for my twelth grade english class**

**2. the screen play is formatted to be performed by only three people**

**3. we had hats with name tags on them to distinguish which character we were playing at the time**

**all in all, this turns out to be an extremely funny skit, which takes under ten minutes if done properly. o yea... for a desert rose update, check my profile! the site is now up! **

Ultra Condensed- The Faster and Funnier Hamlet

Act 1 Sc 1

Barnado: I wonder where the ghost has gone

Horatio: No such thing as ghosts (_enter GHOST)_

Ghost: Boo!

Barnado/Horatio: (_gasp_) King Hamlet

Ghost: (_makes peace sign_) Peace. (_exit GHOST_)

Barnado: No such thing as ghosts, right?

Horatio: (_exaggerated recitation_) Old king Hamlet killed old Fortinbras. Now young Fortinbras wants his land back.

Barnado: Look, the ghost.

Horatio: I told you, there's no such thing as— (_enter GHOST)_

Ghost: Boo!

Horatio: Quick, let's use the chicken to scare it. (_both pantomime chickens)_

Ghost: Egads! _(exits)_

Barnado: We should tell Hamlet

Act 1 Sc 2

King: I am the king. Ha ha.

Laertes: I want to go to France.

King: Sure. What's wrong with you Hamlet?

Hamlet: You killed my father, your brother, and married my mother. What do you think?

King: Forgive and forget. (_all exit but HAMLET. HORATIO enter) _

Horatio: Dude, I saw your dad's ghost.

Hamlet: Cool! Let's go talk to it and do whatever it says

Act 1 Sc 3

Laertes: All packed for France. Do write

Ophelia: Sure

Laertes: Oh, and stay away from Hamlet. I don't like him. He's nuts.

Ophelia: Isn't he allergic to nuts?

Laertes: Stay away from Hamlet.

Ophelia: Yeah, sure, but that means you have to stay away from the whore house.

Laertes: Yeah, right. (_POLONIUS enters)_

Polonius: (_to LAERTES)_ Be careful, be good and have fun. _(To OPHELIA) _Stay away from Hamlet. I don't like him. He's nuts.

Ophelia: Isn't he allergic to--?

Polonius: (_interrupts)_ Stay away from Hamlet.

Act 1 Sc 4-5

Hamlet: Because we're trying to do this entire play in under ten minutes, scene 4 and scene 5 have been combined.

Hamlet/ Horatio: (_singing)_ A hunting we will go. A hunting we will go. We're hunting for King Hamlet's ghost, a hunting we will go. (_GHOST enters_)

Ghost: Boo! (_beckons to HAMLET_)

Horatio: It wants you to go with it.

Hamlet: Okay! (_walks with GHOST. HORATIO exits) _What's up, dad?

Ghost: _(Darth Vader voice)_ I am your father.

Hamlet: Kind of got that.

Ghost: Right. Well, Cladius killed me and I want revenge.

Hamlet: Great! I'll get right on that. _(to camera)_ At this point, if we had more time, money, and resources, the Ghost would disappear dramatically into a cloud of smoke. As it is, just use your imagination. _(GHOST exits, HORATIO enters_)

Horatio: So, how'd it go?

Hamlet: Same old, same old. Let's not talk about this to anyone. Pinky swear?

Horatio: Pinky swear _(shake pinky fingers like little kids. GHOST snickers from off-camera) _

Act 2 Sc 1

Polonius: I don't trust my son farther than I can throw him.

Reynaldo: U-huh

Polonius: So watch him like a hawk

Reynaldo: U-huh

Polonius: And try and be sneaky and clever about it, like me.

(_REYNALDO exits. OPHELIA enters)_

Ophelia: Hamlet is nuts

Polonius: Told you.

Ophelia: No you didn't. (_pause_) He came into my room looking like he had just seen a ghost, kissed me and left.

Polonius: Aha! I am smart like fox! I knew he loved you. Let's tell the king.

Act 2 Sc 2

King: I am the king. Keep an eye on Hamlet. Ha ha.

Guildenstern: Got it (_enter POLONIUS_)

Polonius: I know what's wrong with Hamlet.

Guildenstern: I have to use the little lords room. (_GUILDENSTERN exits. QUEEN enters)_

Queen: (_to camera, points to name tag) _Please note the character change. (_to POLONIUS) _Could it have anything to do with his father's death and my remarriage.

Polonius: That's just stupid. It's because he's in love with Ophelia. Let's set them up together. (_all exit. HAMLET and GUILDENSTERN enter)_

Guildenstern: I'm spying on you for Claudius.

Hamlet: No shit, Sherlock.

Guildenstern: Everyone thinks your nuts.

Hamlet: I'm allergic to nuts. (_enter POLONIUS, exit GUILDENSTERN)_

Polonius: We have actors coming.

Hamlet: (_not interested_) That's nice. _(light bulb goes off_) Hark! An idea! I'll use the actors to (_pause. POLONIUS is 'sneakily' listening)_ bring mirth and joy to my family.

Polonius: Suuure (_POLONIUS exits_)

Hamlet: Actually, I'm going to use the play to see if Claudius is really guilty or not.

Act 3 sc 1

King: I am the king. Report. Ha ha.

Guildenstern: Hamlet's nuts. I don't know why.

King: He's allergic to nuts.

Polonius: I'm telling you! It's because he's in love with Ophelia. I can prove it! Set them in the same room so we can overhear them talking.

King: You mean eavesdrop?

Polonius: No, eavesdropping is rude. (_all exit. HAMLET and OPHELIA enter)_

Ophelia: Yo.

Hamlet: I love you. I hate you. Go join the convent.

Ophelia: That wasn't very nice.

Hamlet: Don't care.

Ophelia: They're right. You are nuts.

Hamlet: How many times do I have to tell you! I'm allergic to nuts. (_both exit. POLONIUS enters) _

Polonius: Crap. Back to the drawing board.

Act 3 Sc 2

Narration: The scene 2 in every act has the repetitive tradition of being a pain to write. Because there are so many characters, and only three actors, Kat decided she was too darn lazy to figure out how to format the screenplay. Instead she wrote this annoying narration for me to read.

The players act out King Hamlet's murder. Gertrude is upset, Claudius is pissed, and Hamlet's decision to kill Claudius is made official. Gertrude wants a private conference with her son.

There, now that wasn't that bad, was it?

Act 3 Sc 3

King: I am the king. I hate Hamlet. I'm sending him to England. Ha ha.

Polonius: Oh the cleverness of me! Let me spy on him while he speaks with Gertrude because I'm so subtle and sneaky.

King: Sure. (_POLONIUS exits)_ (_KING CLADIUS speaks to camera) _In case you haven't figured it out, I did kill the old king. Let's pray for my sins. (_HAMLET enters_)

Hamlet: Darn! He's praying. I can't kill him now. I'll wait. (_exit HAMLET_)

King: Praying isn't working. (_to camera_) For those of you taking notes, this is called dramatic irony.

Act 3 Sc 4

Polonius: (_sings_) I feel sneaky. Oh so sneaky… No one will find me here. _(hides under arms)_

Queen: Idiot. (_enter HAMLET_)

Hamlet: I hate you. You're mean. You betrayed my father.

Queen: I'm your mother

Hamlet: Grr!

Queen: What, do you want to kill me?

Polonius: (_jumps up_) Oh, no! (_HAMLET stabs POLONIUS_)

Hamlet: I've got you Claudius… Oops, I mean, Polonius. It's not like it really matters. We are all being played by the same three actors.

Queen: Oh my God! He killed Polonius! (_enter GHOST_)

Hamlet: Hi dad! Tell mom how mean she is.

Queen: Yup, he's nuts.

Ghost: He's allergic to nuts.

Hamlet: Don't you see the ghost?

Ghost: Well, obviously she doesn't.

Hamlet: He's standing right there.

Queen: There's no one there.

Ghost: Told you she can't see me. Just dropped by to remind you to kill Claudius and add symbolism and theme to the play. (_exits)_

Queen: You're stark raving. Clinically. Certifiable. Off your rocker. Lost your marbles. Two cents short of a dollar. A few crayons short of—

Hamlet: (_interrupts)_ Alright! I got it! I'm crazy. Just do me a favor. Don't sleep with Claudius and don't tell him that I know this trip to England is bull.

Act 4 Sc 1

Queen: Hamlet killed Polonius.

King: Darn. (_to ROSENCRATZ) _Go find the body.

Act 4 Sc 2

Rosencratz: Where's the body?

Hamlet: Not telling

Guildenstern: Don't be stupid. It's going to start to smell soon.

Hamlet: Then follow your nose.

Act 4 Sc 3

Rosencratz: He won't tell us where the body is.

King: Darn. (_exit ROSENCRATZ, enter HAMLET_) Where's Polonius?

Hamlet: Dead.

King: Got that much.

Hamlet: He's under the stairs.

King: I'm sick of you. Get ready to go to England.

Hamlet: Right-o (_exits)_

King: (_To camera_) In case you haven't figured it out, I'm sending Hamlet to his death.

Act 4 Sc 4

Narration: Again, Kat was struck once more with laziness and didn't feel like translating the thousands of long speaking parts in this scene. She wrote the following narration

Hamlet sees Fortinbras crossing to Poland. Hamlet decides he really _really_ wants to kill Claudius.

Take that, SparkNotes.

Act 4 Sc 5

Queen: (_to camera_) We're running out of time here, so sit back for the super ultra condensed version. Oh yeah, and Jen really wanted to play Ophelia in this scene, so how about some extra credit for the kid sister? (_to HORATIO) _Ophelia's crazy.

Horatio: Yup

Queen: Pity (_OPHELIA enters_)

Ophelia: Mary had a little lamb…

Horatio: I hate that song. (_exits_) (_KING enters)_

Queen: Ophelia's crazy.

Ophelia: MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB! I'M EXITING FOR MY NEXT PART! (_exits, still singing)_

King: Darn it. I'm screwed. Laertes is coming back.

Queen: Yup, you're screwed. (_enter LAERTES_)

King: I didn't kill Polonius! Hamlet did.

Queen: I don't approve of violence. (_QUEEN exits. OPHELIA enters_)

Ophelia: WHOSE FLEECE WAS WHITE AS SNOOOOW!

Laertes: So my sister is crazy and my father is dead. Anything I miss?

King: We're about to plot against Hamlet.

Laertes: Right. (_KING and LAERTES put heads together to plan. OPHELIA sticks her head between the two and continues singing) _

Act 4 Sc 6

Horatio: Oh look, a letter from Hamlet.

**Dear Horatio,**

**I'm stowing away on a pirate ship to get home. They are very nice. They feed me tea and cookies without nuts. I have a lot to tell you. **

**Sincerely,**

**The ultra-condensed Hamlet**

**P.S. Give the other letters to the King and Queen, and do send them my best**

Act 4 Sc 7

King: Hamlet's returning. Let's kill him.

Laertes: I'll duel him with a poisoned sword.

King: Great idea! And I'll poison a random goblet of wine, just in case. (_enter QUEEN_)

Queen: Bad news.

King/ Laertes: What?

Queen: Ophelia's dead.

King/ Laertes: How?

Queen: A tragic accident. She tried to steal Mary's carnivorous little lamb.

K/L: Carnivorous lamb?

Queen: Don't look at me. I didn't write it.

Act 5 Sc 1

Gravedigger: (_sings_) I'm singing in the grave. Just singing in the grave…

Hamlet: Nice. Whose grave are you digging.

Gravedigger: Some girl's. (_GRAVEDIGGER exits)_

Hamlet: (_to camera_) Let's pretend, for time's sake, that I already had a humorously contemplative discussion about death with the disappearing gravedigger.

(_KING and LAERTES enter. HAMLET hides_)

Laertes: Boo hoo. My sister is dead. It's all Hamlet's fault.

Hamlet: Take that back. (_they fight. KING separates them)_ I loved Ophelia. Her death wasn't my fault

Laertes: You're nuts.

Hamlet: (_shouts_) I'm allergic to nuts! (_lunge for each other. KING separates again. HAMLET exits) _

King: Wait until later to kill him. It's easier to end the play if we all die in the same scene.

Laertes: Oh.

Act 5 Sc 2 

Laertes: Let's fight.

Hamlet: Okay. (_They fight. HAMLET is wounded.)_ Oh the pain of it all! Wait a second. (_switch blades_) Okay, continue. (_resume fighting. LAERTES is wounded) _

Laertes: Oh the pain of it all! (_enter QUEEN_)

Queen: Oh look, a suspiciously lone cup of wine sitting near my son's slowly dying body. Let's drink it! (_pantomime drinking_) Poisoned! Oh the pain of it all! (_exits_)

Laertes: So Hamlet, seeing as we're dying and everything, let's have a sharing moment. Claudius and I have been plotting to kill you.

Hamlet: Doi! (_enter CLADIUS_)

King: Oh no! My ingenious plan has failed. (_HAMLET stabs him) _Oh the pain of it all! (_KING and LAERTES exit, HORATIO enter) _

Hamlet: Tell everyone my story and that Fortinbras is named my heir.

Horatio: (_to camera_) Yes, naming your arch enemy your heir is as stupid as it sounds. (_to Hamlet)_ No problem.

Hamlet: (_whispers_) Now? Do I die now?

Horatio: Who knows? This screenplay is too messed up to tell anymore.

Hamlet: Seems as good a time as any. (_dies_) (FORTINBRAS _enters_)

Fortinbras: Yes! I am the king!

Horatio: Psst! You're forgetting something.

Fortinbras: What? Oh yeah, Hamlet was a hero, ya di da, and me and Horatio live happily ever after because we're the only ones left alive.

-THE END-


End file.
